/me is not invisible

sorry if that was a bit anti-climatic and confusing for my milestone post. it's all i have atm though.

there are days like today when i wish i could just pluck out my heart and cauterize my brain. then i wouldn't have to feel *anything*.

"To me, the system of rules/boundaries is the relationship's immune system, protecting it from random mishaps. There may still be the occasional bug out of nowhere that you didn't expect, but after you've picked up all the pieces you can inoculate the relationship against it by creating another rule together."
--"RK"

i need more sleeps. there is snow on the ground, but i think i will make it to where i need to go today if i can convince myself that doing so is a good thing. wish i didn't feel so lost-- c'est la vie. i find it really hard to cope when i don't have the data i consider necessary to do so, but sometimes what i consider necessary isn't really viable. okay, enough early morning rambling. back to trying this sleep thing.

i'm going to keep this relatively short, since i have stuff i need to be doing and i think i'm finally calming down enough to start doing them. so, i'm still having panic/anxiety attacks all the frickin' time and it's starting to get really really old. although i really hate taking medicine it looks like it's about that time. i need to be able to get out of the house without feeling like the sky is about to fall on my head... basically i want to be able to function in the everyday world and at the moment that's iff-y at best. i even had to leave a play party once because of a stupid panic attack, and if you know me at *all* you know that that's pretty out of character. plus it's hard to find a job when you're scared to leave the house half the time. so yay medicine (or something).

and yes, i am wearing big black boots at the moment. and they do make quite a bit of sound... mainly the sound of lego tripping all over herself, but still... that's pretty sexy right? right.

so just a brief update as it's late and i'm tired and stuff. life has been okay lately, for the most part. i have awesome friends and an awesome partner, which is all... well... pretty awesome. our new house is pretty fabulous as well, as is my first car. yet... yet... i've started having the worst panic attacks ever coupled with a bit of depression. i know there are reasons for this, and i'm seeking out therapy for it (finally) because it really is seriously (negatively) affecting my life now. my one regret is that i didn't do so sooner, 'cause then maybe i wouldn't be in the mess i am now. c'est la vie, though. live and learn and such.

on an unrelated note, we now has pet fishies! we were pet-less for a while after the move, but tgrey finally agreed to letting us get bettas, and they are *super* awesome. mine is named falkor, his is named eeyore, and our house mate's is named sushi ;) i love talking to the little guys because they pretend to listen and sometimes try to attack me in the process which is beyond cute... heh. oi. i know... i'm "special"... or something... lego= way too easily amused at times.

but my word of the day is "polycule"... yay polycules!!! awww... it made me smile, but perhaps that's mainly the lack of sleep talking...

ever so often there'll be one that we'll take home to have some fun... be gentle if you roll the dice... you might come home to a surprise!!!

gods, i'm really super happy about this... an unexpected mini-vacation for the win! and *i* will be driving us there (for better or worse) in my pretty new now seemingly fully functional bitterblue! oh gawd, oh man, oh geez... maybe-perhaps in a drunken haze i can even come up with a good idea for my "mini-research" paper while we're up there... if nothing else, i can do some "field work" for my astronomy class... heh... inebriated star-gazing in a hot-tub counts, right? sure it does!!! *ahem* and thus ends this post. this post ends thusly.

it's not time to make a change, just relax and take it easy...
you're still young that's your fault, there's so much you have to know...
find a girl, settle down, if you want you can marry
look at me i am old but i'm happy...
i was once like you are now and i know that i'ts not easy
to be calm when you've found something going on
but take your time, think a lot
and think of everything you've got for you will still be here tomorrow
but your dreams may not...
how can i try to explain? when i do he turns away again! it's always been the same, same old story...
from the moment i could talk i was ordered to listen
now there's a way and i know that i have to go away...
i know i have to go...
it's not time to make a change, just sit down take it slowly...
you're still young, that's your fault, there's so much you have to go through
find a girl, settle down, if you want you can marry
look at me i am old but i'm happy...
all the times that i've cried keeping all the things i knew inside!
it's hard but it's harder to ignore it...
if they were right i'd agree, but it's them they know not me! now there's a way
and i know that i have to go away...
i know i have to go...

-cat stevens

this is my happiness goat. well, okay she isn't really *my* goat, even though she did try to follow me home after i scratched her head a bit. her name is snowball and she lives with humans who own an old airstream... this was sooo for the win today.